Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Just BLOG Already

I’m sitting here this morning drinking my pumpkin spice coffee with a shot of caramel café (thank you, Keurig), minding my own business, reading blogs, when my brain starts YELLING at me…..

JUST BLOG ALREADY!

So rude.

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So, here I am, typing away.  I think I have felt a little frozen with my writing because I’ve been hiding something from you.

I’m sorry. (don’t worry there is a happy ending)

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This is the down and dirty. 

Justin and I went through a rough patch this summer.  Well, I…me…hello my name is STACY…went through a rough patch.  I have always been honest and open on my blog so when things started getting all gunked up, I freaked out. Shut down. Got scared.  I didn’t know how to write about it.

I didn’t know if I should

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Some things should be private, right?

Yes.

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I do keep a little of my life tucked away just for me, protected from the judgment of the internet.  With that being said…..Marriage is not easy.  EVERY marriage goes through bumps, sometimes mountains!  And when that happens, it’s not something to be ashamed of or secretive about.  Being with ONE person for 18 years is not always easy.  It’s not always smiling pictures and butterflies and rainbows.

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He fought for me.  (My Mom told me that the other day and it gave me goose bumps because it’s TRUE!) Justin took a beating this past summer and he stood there like the man he is, and allowed me to go through whatever it was I was feeling (I didn’t even know most days).  He fought for me and he changed his life in the process.  We both are different people then we were a year ago, even 5 months ago.

I love him more.

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The truth is, we have been together since I was 18 and he was 22.  When we transitioned from our 20’s into our 30’s, we went through a rough patch and we came out the other side adults and our relationship was stronger.  And now, here we are, transitioning from our 30’s into our 40’s (how did that happen!?).  It’s the natural flow of life.

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We are going to marriage counseling.  I went to the first session by myself and as soon as I sat down:

Doctor: “Do you Love him?”

Me: “Yes.”

Doctor: “Then the rest is just logistics.”

lo·gis·tics (ləˈjistiks,lō-/) noun - the detailed coordination of a complex operation involving many people, facilities, or supplies.

duh.

We are really enjoying our sessions. She has recommended some great books to read.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage WorkI Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Making the Journey from Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and ConfidenceJust One Thing: Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time

Those are just some of them we are reading right now.

Here is one thing I have learned in my 37 years.  Life is about change.

Everyone is in the beginning, middle or end stage of change.

I feel like since I first competed in 2011, I have been going through a change and this past summer I finally sluffed off the old Stacy so a new, brighter, vivid Stacy could emerge and move into the next phase of my life.  It wasn’t pretty. And it certainly wasn’t fair to Justin.  But we don’t get to decide when another person changes. 

We have to love them where they are and go with them. 

It’s when one part of the duo digs their feet in and resists the change that distance is created and marriages fall apart.  I feel lucky that I married someone who is willing to flow with me and grow with me. 

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We have changed a lot since we were 18 and 22 and we are still together because we have ALLOWED the other person to be who they are creating themselves to be.  Not trying to MAKE them who we want them to be.

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If you find your marriage or long term relationship in a transition phase and it feels uncomfortable and scary…FIGHT FOR IT.  Step outside yourself and think…would I want to do this with anyone else?  Would I be happier alone?  Does what we are going through right now erase everything in our history?  Those are real questions I asked myself and the answer was NO, NO and NO.

When you choose to be with someone, you are choosing to mesh your life with another human being (hopefully), who has their own set of problems, issues, quirks, bullshit….whatever you want to call it.   Not a set of issues you can change.  A set of problems you can LIVE WITH…..F.O.R.E.V.E.R. (I learned that in “The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work” and it was an “ah ha” moment.)

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So you have to decide, is this person’s quirks something I can cope with?

We are all just human.  Constantly changing and learning and growing and transitioning.  That is what keeps life interesting and flowing.  Otherwise we become stagnant and boring.

Justin has to deal with my bullshit and I have to deal with his.  I wouldn’t want to do this with anyone else!  He is the only one that truly knows my heart and mind….and he still loves me.

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