Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Just BLOG Already

I’m sitting here this morning drinking my pumpkin spice coffee with a shot of caramel café (thank you, Keurig), minding my own business, reading blogs, when my brain starts YELLING at me…..

JUST BLOG ALREADY!

So rude.

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So, here I am, typing away.  I think I have felt a little frozen with my writing because I’ve been hiding something from you.

I’m sorry. (don’t worry there is a happy ending)

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This is the down and dirty. 

Justin and I went through a rough patch this summer.  Well, I…me…hello my name is STACY…went through a rough patch.  I have always been honest and open on my blog so when things started getting all gunked up, I freaked out. Shut down. Got scared.  I didn’t know how to write about it.

I didn’t know if I should

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Some things should be private, right?

Yes.

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I do keep a little of my life tucked away just for me, protected from the judgment of the internet.  With that being said…..Marriage is not easy.  EVERY marriage goes through bumps, sometimes mountains!  And when that happens, it’s not something to be ashamed of or secretive about.  Being with ONE person for 18 years is not always easy.  It’s not always smiling pictures and butterflies and rainbows.

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He fought for me.  (My Mom told me that the other day and it gave me goose bumps because it’s TRUE!) Justin took a beating this past summer and he stood there like the man he is, and allowed me to go through whatever it was I was feeling (I didn’t even know most days).  He fought for me and he changed his life in the process.  We both are different people then we were a year ago, even 5 months ago.

I love him more.

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The truth is, we have been together since I was 18 and he was 22.  When we transitioned from our 20’s into our 30’s, we went through a rough patch and we came out the other side adults and our relationship was stronger.  And now, here we are, transitioning from our 30’s into our 40’s (how did that happen!?).  It’s the natural flow of life.

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We are going to marriage counseling.  I went to the first session by myself and as soon as I sat down:

Doctor: “Do you Love him?”

Me: “Yes.”

Doctor: “Then the rest is just logistics.”

lo·gis·tics (ləˈjistiks,lō-/) noun - the detailed coordination of a complex operation involving many people, facilities, or supplies.

duh.

We are really enjoying our sessions. She has recommended some great books to read.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage WorkI Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Making the Journey from Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and ConfidenceJust One Thing: Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time

Those are just some of them we are reading right now.

Here is one thing I have learned in my 37 years.  Life is about change.

Everyone is in the beginning, middle or end stage of change.

I feel like since I first competed in 2011, I have been going through a change and this past summer I finally sluffed off the old Stacy so a new, brighter, vivid Stacy could emerge and move into the next phase of my life.  It wasn’t pretty. And it certainly wasn’t fair to Justin.  But we don’t get to decide when another person changes. 

We have to love them where they are and go with them. 

It’s when one part of the duo digs their feet in and resists the change that distance is created and marriages fall apart.  I feel lucky that I married someone who is willing to flow with me and grow with me. 

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We have changed a lot since we were 18 and 22 and we are still together because we have ALLOWED the other person to be who they are creating themselves to be.  Not trying to MAKE them who we want them to be.

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If you find your marriage or long term relationship in a transition phase and it feels uncomfortable and scary…FIGHT FOR IT.  Step outside yourself and think…would I want to do this with anyone else?  Would I be happier alone?  Does what we are going through right now erase everything in our history?  Those are real questions I asked myself and the answer was NO, NO and NO.

When you choose to be with someone, you are choosing to mesh your life with another human being (hopefully), who has their own set of problems, issues, quirks, bullshit….whatever you want to call it.   Not a set of issues you can change.  A set of problems you can LIVE WITH…..F.O.R.E.V.E.R. (I learned that in “The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work” and it was an “ah ha” moment.)

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So you have to decide, is this person’s quirks something I can cope with?

We are all just human.  Constantly changing and learning and growing and transitioning.  That is what keeps life interesting and flowing.  Otherwise we become stagnant and boring.

Justin has to deal with my bullshit and I have to deal with his.  I wouldn’t want to do this with anyone else!  He is the only one that truly knows my heart and mind….and he still loves me.

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17 comments:

  1. thank you for sharing something so personal and intimate with us - I am thinking about you and happy you are both working things out! Hugs!

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    1. Thanks, Michelle! I have been holding back and then figured if I am going through this, other people probably have felt this or are feeling this too! That's the great thing about the blog community...letting others know YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

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    2. Yes exactly you are not - you have a ton of support everywhere and we love you - thank you again for sharing, and you are probably helping more people than you know by sharing your story. So glad you guys are working things out!!! :)

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  2. Been going through a transition phase myself....and referring to my own relationship, I'd answer the same way to your three questions: No, No, and No! :) Hugs to you and a big thanks for sharing :) XOXOX

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    1. Thank you! Hang in there with your transition. The growth and who you are becoming is worth it!

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  3. This is totally true. Every bit of it. Congratulations on fighting for your relationship and each other. Much love to you both.

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  4. I've been reading your blog for a long time, never posted before. I love all your fitness related advice but this is an awesome - awesome post. It's great to grow and evolve but we sometimes forget to consider how it affects our loved ones. Like you, I married a good one! But that doesn't mean it's all rainbows and lollipops. I'm glad you "just blogged already!" LOL!!!

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    1. Awe, thank you for commenting and thank you for being a long time reader!

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  5. I have been following your blog since your first competition and this is my first comment. You are amazing for sharing this. Everyone goes through changes and it is up to your partner/spouse to be there for better or worse. Your words really hit home to me. My first husband and I met in our early 20's. We hit our first rough patch as we were transitioning from 20s to 30s. I was changing and evolving....he was not. He did not like that I was responsible and well, an adult. I had come at a crossroads at that time, either leave or try one more time. I would rather try and fail rather than wonder if in life. Well, I tried...I worked so hard to keep that marriage together,but he just wasn't a good partner...lying, cheating to no end. I know I made the right decision to leave when I did. Flash forward to today - I recently married an amazing man who is respectful and communicates. I hope that after 18 years of marriage - through ups and downs, we will still be together and work at our marriage together. I guess I just want to say, thank you for being honest. I think you talking about this will help other people know that its okay to discuss these things...we are human, imperfect and strong.

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    1. Thank you ELIZABETH! Thank you for being a long time reader and thank you for that beautifully honest comment. Congratulations on your recent marriage! *hug*

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  6. Stacy,
    I've wondered where you have been! You & Justin are a really amazing couple & great together & I am glad you both recognize that through the thick & thin.
    As my mother in law always says, "If you've never contemplated divorce, you haven't been married long enough." :) It's true & we have to go through the fire to come out stronger. Glad you guys are working on it & also thank you for sharing! You are an amazing person!

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  7. What a beautiful post. I'm in awe of you for SO many reasons! Getting your life/health on track, AND for having the courage to share your heart (and Justin's) in this post. Once again you have inspired me to do better, and be better. Thanks for sharing, & big hugs to you!

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  8. Stacy-

    I have been meaning to write to you to thank you for your honesty. I experienced the same thing as you have this year. This is the second year of making myself and my health a priority and somehow, somewhere along the way, I became so independent and focused that I took for granted the one person that has always been there. A lot of growth, humility, talking and being brutally honest with one another has gotten us back on the same page. It meant a lot to know that others I respect, like yourself and close friends to us, were going through the same thing. Somehow it meant we weren't the only ones. Thank you for being you. You have a beautiful soul and I'm glad that I can 'stalk' your blog and be able to relate to you so well.

    Namaste!!

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    1. Thank you for the kind words KayBee! We are all in this crazy life together. Trying to figure it out and it is wonderful and comforting to know we are not alone. It warms my heart that your relationship is back on track as well! And now I'm going to go stalk your blogs! ;) Om Shanti Om

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